Dear Aislin,
You are now fast asleep, today was a busy day for you. We celebrated your first birthday in Panama City. You were the most precious birthday girl ever. You looked so adorable in your little party dress. The dress was ivory, it had a slight shimmer and a pink sash around the middle matching the pink bow in your soft little hair. I look at you and wonder what your dad and I did to deserve such a perfect baby girl. Looking into your blue eyes and at your fluffy checks and plump lips absolutely melts my heart. When we found out I was pregnant with you I secretly hoped and wished that you would be the little baby girl I saw in my dreams, my Aislin Calista, my beautiful dream. We found out that you were a little girl and I was so excited, and then a year ago you entered the world and you were just perfect.
I remember the day of your birth. I woke up at 5:00 am that morning to begin calling Northside hospital every few hours to see when they could schedule me in. You were an elective induction and so I had to keep calling to see when we could get in. I was so nervous and anxious to just get there and have you. I had a very fast labor and delivery with Blaine and did not want a repeat, I wanted to be in a hospital when I went into labor with medical personnel readily available. Every thing about your birth was so peaceful. I was calm knowing that I would deliver you in a hospital with a doctor ready for you. They induced my labor and then about two hours later you were born. I was calm, the room was quiet with only your dad, the obstetrician and one nurse. It was almost surreal, I got an epidural during the last twenty minutes of my labor to help me slow down my pushing (I only pushed three times to get Blaine out and that wasn’t the best for my body).
When they said you were out it was just so peaceful. You didn’t cry much, it was like you were sleeping and we rudely woke you up and so you were ready to roll back over and go to sleep. The obstetrician noticed you were not breathing correctly so they sent in two nurses to try and stimulate you to cry some. I asked if I could hold you for a while, before they took you to a nursery where you could be under observation. I was able to hold you and look at you for a few minutes and then they had to take you. I made Daddy go with you and keep taking pictures. I just wanted to see you and know what you looked like. I had carried you for nine months and I realized that they were taking you away and I wasn’t even sure I would be able to recognize you when I saw you again. When Blaine was born he had a few problems with fluid in his lungs from such a fast delivery. They told me they were taking him for a few minutes for observation and it ended up being for four days. I was so worried the same would happen with you.
While your actual delivery was peaceful, the moments and night following were not. As soon as you were born I began to worry about Blaine, this would be his first night sleeping away from me (he was much more of a baby and a mama’s boy than you) and then they told me that they need to have you under observation. I thought and hoped that it meant you would be under observation for just a few hours, I so wanted to have you room in with me and sleep in my bed and be able to nurse right away. This was not the case however. I didn’t know this and so I insisted that Daddy go home to be with Blaine if he woke up in the middle of the night (he was not sleeping through the night yet) as soon as I got settled into my postpartum room. Then I began to wait, and wait and wait. It was close to 10:30 pm when I got settled into my room and I just kept thinking that at any minute they would bring you to me. I was exhausted after being up since 5:00 am that morning and then going through labor and delivery, but I refused to go to sleep. I didn’t want to be asleep when they finally brought you to me. I waited all night, every time my room door opened, which was often, I would hope that it was you, but it was just different nurses or technicians coming to check on me.
Finally around 5:00 am the following morning a neonatal specialist with a white coat came into my room with some charts. I took a deep breath; I knew it wouldn’t be good if a specialist were taking the time to come to my room and have charts in hand. She introduced herself and told me they had run some x-rays on you and that you enlarged intestines. She explained a few different scenarios of what this could mean. The best case scenario would be that it was just meconium blocked in your system and that you would pass it in time. They also noticed fluid in your stomach. I didn’t know how to take the information. I was exhausted, alone and couldn’t think, I thanked the doctor and asked if I could go visit you. A few minutes after she left another nurse came in to check on me, she had seen the specialist come into my room and wanted to see how things were going. I was so upset, she sat on the edge of my bed with her hand on my leg as I laid my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes and cried. I just wanted to see you and hold you. I didn’t want to call and wake up Daddy and Blaine, but I didn’t know what else to do so I called your dad crying, trying to tell him what the specialist had told me. Within about an hour he was there and helping to get me a wheelchair so I could go see you.
The hospital was huge, there was no way I would be able to walk all the way to see you although I didn’t like riding in a wheelchair. When we came to see you you were asleep. They had put a tube down your throat to help drain the fluid. You were under a warming lamp and so you just had on a diaper. I was at least able to touch you and stroke your arm. I told you I loved you and tried to smell you. One of the nurses had taken a picture of you, you had your eyes open in the picture and your two hands up and in a fist, you looked like such a little fighter. I loved that picture and took it back to my room with me. It was the only image I had of you with your eyes open. I wanted so badly to look into your eyes and see you, I wanted to know who you were, I wanted you to look into my eyes so that I could feel like we were connected in some way…
A year later we are celebrating your first birthday. I know who you are, when I look into your beautiful blues eyes it melts my heart, I know exactly who you are. You are my daughter and I love you. You are independent and determined, you are quiet and calm, and know how to stand your own ground. You have added to our lives in ways that you will never know. Your father and big brother adore you, you have completed our family and I am eternally grateful to God for adding you to our lives.
I love you!
Mommy
May 2006
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